When to Let Go: Conflict between Teen Priorities and Parent Priorities

I hear it every day in the store: "My daughter used to wear anything I picked out for her. Now I can't begin to figure out what she'll like!" Yes, its true; as our children move into their tweens, they are more opinionated and much more preferential in their choices. That's what they are supposed to do.


Yet, it's hard for us. We've shepherded and guided, encouraged and hauled around. The trick now is to know when to let go and in what ways. My 18-year-old, soon-to-be college student, recently taught me the delicate balance. He is a very gifted musician and particularly talented on the piano. I had tapped rhythms, counted measures and hauled him to recitals and contests since he was five, always imagining that he would continue piano in college, not as a major, but as a lifelong passion.

I recently asked him about fitting in practicing while he was balancing his other commitments of school, sports, and a very special girl in his life. In a frustrated moment of being too short of time to do anything fun, he snapped, "Mom, this piano thing NEVER was my deal; it was always yours. I did it because you wanted me to...."

And so it went. We had a good conversation about his own priorities. I asked him a number of questions, supportive mother questions: Is the music too difficult? Do you want to consider other composers? Is the teacher too rough on you? No, we both concluded, it just wasn't as satisfying or rewarding as the other things he had going on. Sadly, I agreed.

A funny thing happened a few weeks later. I was having an especially challenging day and dinner had been tense. After dinner was cleaned up and his homework finished, he sat down at the piano and played lovely music for nearly half an hour. It calmed the entire house.

Since then, he's practiced many times, dragging out old pieces, and tackling new ones. I asked if he was back on for a senior recital. "No," he replied, "I'm enjoying it this way."

It was a great lesson that he could never have verbalized to me. And so, I won't get the opportunity to sit as the proudest of parents while he plays a number of spectacular pieces on the grand piano in our church. He's playing the piano, and loving it - on his own time, in his own way.

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