When to Let Go: Conflict between Teen Priorities and Parent Priorities

I hear it every day in the store: "My daughter used to wear anything I picked out for her. Now I can't begin to figure out what she'll like!" Yes, its true; as our children move into their tweens, they are more opinionated and much more preferential in their choices. That's what they are supposed to do.


Yet, it's hard for us. We've shepherded and guided, encouraged and hauled around. The trick now is to know when to let go and in what ways. My 18-year-old, soon-to-be college student, recently taught me the delicate balance. He is a very gifted musician and particularly talented on the piano. I had tapped rhythms, counted measures and hauled him to recitals and contests since he was five, always imagining that he would continue piano in college, not as a major, but as a lifelong passion.

I recently asked him about fitting in practicing while he was balancing his other commitments of school, sports, and a very special girl in his life. In a frustrated moment of being too short of time to do anything fun, he snapped, "Mom, this piano thing NEVER was my deal; it was always yours. I did it because you wanted me to...."

And so it went. We had a good conversation about his own priorities. I asked him a number of questions, supportive mother questions: Is the music too difficult? Do you want to consider other composers? Is the teacher too rough on you? No, we both concluded, it just wasn't as satisfying or rewarding as the other things he had going on. Sadly, I agreed.

A funny thing happened a few weeks later. I was having an especially challenging day and dinner had been tense. After dinner was cleaned up and his homework finished, he sat down at the piano and played lovely music for nearly half an hour. It calmed the entire house.

Since then, he's practiced many times, dragging out old pieces, and tackling new ones. I asked if he was back on for a senior recital. "No," he replied, "I'm enjoying it this way."

It was a great lesson that he could never have verbalized to me. And so, I won't get the opportunity to sit as the proudest of parents while he plays a number of spectacular pieces on the grand piano in our church. He's playing the piano, and loving it - on his own time, in his own way.

Check out where Janet Polach's fellow parents can shop for their choosy tween and teen daughters: zelaz.com

Minnesota Parent This Week: November 26, 2008

Store Opening
Zelaz
Walk into Zelaz (pronounced ZEE-lahz), a new tween/teen-centric girl's clothing store at Ridgedale Mall, and you'll be struck more by what you don't see than what you do: no pounding hip-hop music, no dim lighting, no overwhelming stench of cologne, and, as owner Janet Polach says, "No logos on the backside!" Polach opened Zelaz last August after being frustrated by the lack of stylish but appropriate clothing options for her tween-age daughter Alex (Zelaz is Alex's name backwards... minus an 'x' and plus some 'z's). Zelaz is a comfortable, open store that offers funky purses, jewelry, dress clothes, and everyday basics that girls from middle to high school are fans of (I heard more than one "OMG" while flipping through the racks). From Billabong thermals and Peruvian knit hats to dresses for winter formals, Zelaz has a range of affordable clothes for all occasions. And Polach is happy to weigh in what's stylish this season - "Anything with a peace symbol" - for those looking for tween gift ideas. And parents can feel good about every purchase not just because the clothes are classy: 5 percent of revenue goes to girlsBEST, a charity that supports girl-specific programs that promote self esteem, leadership, and activism. -Monica Wright
Ridgedale Mall,
12401 Wayzata Blvd, Minnetonka
Hours this weekend: Friday 6 a.m.-10 p.m.,
Saturday 7 a.m.-10 p.m., Sunday 11 a.m.-7 p.m.
Zelaz.com

Tie One On...Scarves!

Scarves couldn't be hotter. Tying them can be a challenge. Here are a couple easy ways to wear this year's hottest fashion trend.

1. Double over rectangle scarf. Lay scarf over the back of the neck. Bring two ends through the loop. Tighten gently.

2. Wrap single length of scarf around neck. Hang each end evenly in front. Loop one end through scarf AND the other end that is around neck. Bring through and adjust.

3. Hang scarf over neck letting both ends hang evenly. Simple tie in a very loose knot, let hang gently.

4. For a square scarf, fold diagonally, making a triangle. Wrap both ends around neck, leaving triangle point hanging in the front, like a bib. Wrap ends around back of neck and then bring to the front, tie ends in a square knot over "bib" that is hanging down. Adjust.

Still having troubles? Check out this great video: Scarf Video

Check out more at http://zelaz.com/shortsleeve.aspx

Talk with Kids about Tough Times

Gas prices have dropped, the election is over, and yet we are all feeling the strain of this recession. Times are uncertain, particularly if you listen to the media and their dire coverage. However, challenging times can create a unique opportunity to talk to our kids about the economy. Here are a few tips.

Take stock of your own situation. Many people work in stable industries and have stable economic situations. For those of us who are not retiring in the next 18 months, our savings have time to rebound. Assess your current situation and understand where you stand.

Discuss the economic situation with your family. While the levers of this recession are complex, it can provide excellent family discussion. Remind kids that they are safe and loved. Share with kids the reality of your family situation.

Talk about trimming expenses. Even if you are financially stable, such economic times require us all to be careful. Discuss ways to trim spending: take on household tasks that are often outsourced; eat out less and cook meals at home; watch a movie as a family rather than going out.

Remember that there are others who have it truly bad. Economic times like this hit the poorest first and hit much harder than on those who are more secure. Please don't trim on your giving to charities during these tough times; these organizations need our dollars more than ever.

Have fun. While times are tough, there is still joy everywhere we look. People continue to fall in love, kids are accepted to college, promotions occur, businesses open. Take stock in the many blessings of your family and this country. We can each take responsibility for getting this economy going again.

http://zelaz.com/tweens-longsleeve.aspx

Teen Fall Fashion--Stylish and Inexpensive

Stretch Your Current Wardrobe

Worried about the economy? Your wardrobe doesn't have to add more stress. Here are five great ways to get more looks out of what you already have.

1. Add a scarf. SCARVES are HOT! They add color, keep you warm, and an interesting one can be purchased for about $20. Better then jewelry, they are functional and get you noticed.

2. Raid a friend's jewelry box. Your trash may be a friend's treasure. Buy a new basic and then ask a friend to borrow accessories she no longer wears.

3. Match new combinations. Today's style is all about layering. Pick up inexpensive short or long sleeve t-shirts and put them under your summer favorites, add bright legging with sweaters for something new and top it off with a scarf, or layer t-shirts and show a rainbow of colors at your neckline.

4. Go for quality not quantity. Opt for wool or cotton sweaters on the racks that will last three or four seasons, rather than acrylic that will lose its shape before the season is out. Stick with basic colors like black, navy or brown and then change out the accessories over the seasons.

5. Opt for a new sweater over another pair of jeans. While the manufacturers entice shoppers with new cuts and washes, jeans are jeans after all. With limited dollars, update your wardrobe with a new and distinctive top, rather than more denim.

Five Fashions For Fall

Scarves. Stripes, prints, rich colors. Wrap them around your neck for color and style.

Wide-legged jeans. Comfy and a change from bootcut. Don't go overboard on these. One pair is plenty.

Leggings. They're back and fun! Raspberry, turquoise, bright yellow. Go wild for less than $20 a pair.

New Shapes. Black sweaters are here to stay, but this year's models offer new twists: longer, double breasted, belled sleeves.

Layering. T-shirt under t-shirt, longsleeves with shortsleeves. Be daring, and comfortable, and use color to make your personal statements.

Shopping with Teens and Tweens--How to Have Fun and Find Common Ground

“No, it’s too short.”

“You like that???”

“You’re not wearing that.”

“Mom!!!”

Such conversations are heard in malls across America. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of great shopping choices. The big box stores offer redundant fare: grunge, revealing tops, dozens of the same old thing, and an environment that makes it hard to even think. Shopping then becomes selecting from bad options.

However, shopping together does not have to be drudgery. It can be a fun experience, for daughters and their moms. My fourteen year old daughter, Alex, and I are becoming local experts on dressing teens and tweens in style and fashions that they will love, and their mothers will not hate.

Here are a few suggestions for moms and daughters to improve your shopping experience.

Allow time to shop. Kids are already rushed. Making special purchases the day before they are needed increases stress for both moms and daughters. Rushing creates stress, especially if you are looking for something in particular. Think ahead of those special events and shop early. Even if you do not purchase the item early, you get a sense of style and the options that are available.

Try something different. The old adage applies: if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got. Look in a new store or check out a new department. Try something on you would not have considered in the past. Go to a different mall. You will be surprised what happens when you shop in different surroundings.

Watch their eyes. Regardless of what they eventually say, I have learned to tell instantly whether a teen likes something or not. They know instantly if it excites them. Keep your eyes open and you can learn to tell too. Remember: our style is not our daughter’s style, and that is just fine. After all, you would not like everything in your best friend’s closet. So do not expect your daughter and you to always agree on what’s cute.

Speak concretely, not emotionally. You can, however, agree on whether it’s appropriate. Shopping can be a test of wills, but it does not have to be. If you feel a garment is too revealing or too bold, say so and describe why. Describe why a garment is inappropriate in concrete terms, rather than from an emotional reaction. Our girls wear what the market offers them. If we don’t stand up for our daughters and declare what is appropriate and what is not, the market will not change, and we will continue to be stuck with same limiting options we’ve always had.

Whether you enjoy shopping or not, shopping together offers time together. It can be a time of give and take, of gaining insight, of simply laughing in each other’s company. Enjoy!


Zelaz is an on-line teen and tween clothing store. It specializes in “Clothes you love and your mother won't hate.” Basically, clothes that are fun, appropriate and not geared toward sexual suggestiveness. Zelaz serves fashion conscious and yet real human sized adolescents. For instance, those who are small on the bottom and developed on the top can find outfits. Zelaz serves all girls. 5% of all sales are donated to girl empowerment non-profit organizations. Check out

http://zelaz.com